I never thought coming out as a survivor, on a website that nobody reads, would be so hard. Yet, I find myself struggling describe myself as a survivor. A survivor of what? What do I tell people? Complex trauma? Sexual abuse? Childhood sexual abuse? Incest? Is that weird? Does it make me look bad? Will people think I’m weak, crazy, incapable, seeking attention or a liar?
I’ve already come out to most of my family and friends. I’ve told people I’ve recently met and people I’ve worked with. However, the prospect of publishing the words “I am a survivor of …” online daunts me. I’m worried it might be used against me and that people judge me for it. How strange is that?
As a survivor,I feel like I’m not supposed to use the word “victim”. However, I was a victim. For a really long time. So why do I feel like I might be seen as bad now? Why am I worried that coming out about my abuse might make me look bad?
It’s strange, because I want to have this website available to the public. It’s supposed to be an online presentation of who I am and what I stand for. Based on that principle, I want to share my story. To empower myself and to help other survivors out there perhaps feel less alone.
To me it’s about more than just survivorship though. Being a survivor, doesn’t define who I am. That’s why my blog isn’t centered around it. It’s a part of me, but not all of me. I have dreams and ambitions, I struggle with daily things like looking for a job and bumping my forehead against the cupboard door.
Me in 2000 (I think). That’s when it started.
For some reason, I’m scared that describing myself as a survivor, might make people see me as less of a person. As though, sharing my story will suddenly turn me into alien. I fear I’ll be seen as a broken and distorted being, no longer a person. Yet, I want nothing more than to be seen as a human being, whole, as an equal.
I guess I should be the one to own my feelings this time. I’m worried I will be seen as less, if I tell people about my abuse. I’m scared people will tell me I deserved it. That I’m intrinsically and irrevocably bad. I’m scared that my worst fears will come true. That I am forever broken after all, and that I will never be whole.