Last week, Librae Lustrum's conference (aka 5th anniversary of Librae) was organised in Delft, and as the founder, I was asked to give an opening speech. The theme of the event was "Unapologetically Ambitious", but the word ambitious felt alien to me. What is ambition? What is success?
Librae is a non-profit that aims to raise awareness and stimulate gender equality and diversity among students in STEM by connecting (female) students to role models in an accessible and personal way through dinners and mentorship programs.
Unpacking ambition
Just over a year ago, I would easily have called myself an ambitious person. However, my ambitions have changed drastically since then. Does that mean I'm not ambitious anymore?
For a long time, I've struggled with a split feeling that I couldn't place. On the one hand, I felt this desire to become "successful"; I wanted to work at a reputable company with a fancy title or be the founder of a unicorn and make a lot of money (to then prove that I'm better than others by not buying ridiculously expensive things). On the other hand, I just want to surf, write blog posts for an invisible audience or play the drums (if I ever find a sound-proof home), while doing something meaningful with my time.
Two years ago, I applied to McKinsey or Entrepreneur First, but it felt like there was a war raging inside me. I had read the books "When McKinsey Comes to Town" and "Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Start-up" and was well aware that both companies were primarily focused on making money rather than impact.
Was this what I really wanted?
As much as I knew it wasn't truly in line with my values, something inside me still wanted it. It was like half of me wanted it, while the other half was telling me no. When I finally got into the entrepreneurship program of my dreams, I distinctly remember only feeling partially excited. The other part of me was worried about not being able to surf as much.
Unraveling ambition
In March last year, I had to choose between moving to London to join the entrepreneurship program or moving back in with my parents in Barcelona and dropping out of the program to face a trauma I had hidden from myself for most of my life.
The decision was by no means easy. Moving in with my parents, living off my savings to a point that I became financially dependent on my parents, taking time off work, were all things that go against everything I have been doing the last ten years. Since I started studying, I have never taken time off. It felt unnatural, as though I was doing something wrong.
It was then that I discovered the impact early childhood trauma had on me and how it has been acting as an invisible driving force in my life. My therapist and I like to call it my "awakening". Through my healing journey, I came to realise that the majority of my ambition was driven by trauma, a need and desire to belong, feel accepted and prove myself.
I wanted to be seen, recognition, and to fit in.
In some ways, society, or let's say the rat race, has conditioned me to believe that not having a job, earning little money, and being dependent (or perhaps even asking for help) is bad. Before speaking at the event, I spent a lot of time feeling incompetent and inferior, a bit like a failure.
Agency in ambition
As hard as the last year has been, I'm grateful to experience a sense of agency I've never felt before. In some ways, it's freeing (but also scary) to have more clarity on which ambitions belong to me and which were coming from a place of trauma.
I am deeply passionate about human rights, feminism and social & climate justice.
I don't really care about money or fancy titles (of course, being seen is still nice, and I would like to live without financial stress).
I want freedom and to enjoy the simple things in life.
In conclusion, even though I'm jobless, broke and struggling as I work through my trauma, I do feel empowered. At least I'm doing things for myself now.
In summary:
Up until early 2024, my ambitions were to:
Start a unicorn or a hugely successful company in the impact space
Show all the other capitalist and corrupt organisations, I could do it better
Become rich, so I can prove that I can resist financial temptations and not buy ridiculously expensive things
Now (as of late 2024), my ambitions are to:
Earn enough money to pay rent, buy food and sufficient snacks (~1500 euros per month would be more than enough, as long as I don't start a family).
Have enough time to surf, write, bullet journal, and play the drums somewhere if I'm lucky
Found or work for an organisation that does something meaningful in the social or environmental impact and tech space.
Is this okay? I suppose it should be. Am I ambitious? Yes, in my own way.